Diary 6-24-08

Dear Lord,

Here I am again coming to you asking for your help, pleading with you to give me some wisdom and a lot more strength. Why is it that it seems I can do well up to a certain point then I feel like all hell comes for me and I struggle to stay strong. When the enemy forces come for me, they don't fight fair. Don't leave me Lord, I need you like never before. I'm alone in this world and all I really have is You. Sometimes being alone is really difficult. There are those who I care about, those who I would consider my family, but some of them don't see me the same way. The people I really care about don't always realize just how lonely it is sometimes, but then again if it was meant for them to be there for me at those certain times then they would be there.

I am trying to develop more a dependence on you Lord, but the truth is, it's a struggle. I struggle to keep strong faith because I'm afraid you won't come through for me because I can't be perfect. Sometimes I feel like there are all these stipulations to be blessed by you, but maybe they are imposed on me by me. Maybe I think this way because that's the way I have been conditioned to think....that god can't do anything for me unless I'm perfect. Maybe I should just be me and do the things I know I should do and not worry about it. Maybe the things I desire are already done by You, I just have to stop worrying about it. I don't want to worry about whether you will take care of me Lord, I just want to know it, rest in you and believe, do my best and cast my cares upon you. Yes!! I feel lonely at times, like I have to be by myself and that is painful. So Lord, I just want you to know at this point, I am not very strong. I feel isolated and helpless at times. I know you have a plan for me, it is of good and not of evil, to give me hope and a future. I read about Jesus and the disciples and I realize more and more that they were not perfect either. They had flaws, they lacked faith and they were right there with You and you chose them anyway, which means we...I may have the same trials. Lord, I know you are real and of the many things you do....but sometimes I'm afraid you won't do them for me. I have to stop thinking that way. You love me and your Word says You will not leave me and I just have to stand on that and know that no matter how much I mess up, everyday is a new day, another chance to get it right. "With men it is impossible, but not with God; with God all things are possible." (Mark 10:27)

All I need is faith. Almost every time Jesus healed someone he would say, "...thy faith has made thee well, thy faith has made thee whole." So, I guess it's our faith that makes You work on our behalf. You will do as much for me as I believe...it seems so easy. Today, I decide to believe that God has an apartment for me in Paris, just perfect for me, better than what I could imagine. He has a job all set up for me already and He is conspiring to give me what I need to be a success. I will be patient for You and I will trust You! I will not fear, I will believe today! It tells us in Matthew 6:25, "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink: nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing. (v.26) Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap not gather into barns yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not more valuable than they? (v.27) which of you by worrying can make yourself taller? (v.28) so why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, (v.29) and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. (v.30) Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? (v.31) therefore do not worry saying, "What shall we eat? what shall we drink? what shall we wear?(v.32) For all these things the non-believers seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. (v.33) But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you. (v.34) Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is it's own trouble.

Thank you God for your Word and for reminding me that You have everything in Your hand. And all I need to do is focus on serving you the best I can TODAY. I love you Lord, thank you! I sometimes I may not have enough faith for tomorrow, so I just need to focus on today. Lord, give me a measure of faith for today. I love you so much Lord, thank you! Thank you, thank you for lifting my heavy burdens of doubt. Thank you for allowing me to feel your spirit near me again. Those who talk about You and say YOU don't exist or that Jesus was just a man, Don't know you. You are so loving and merciful, we don't deserve your goodness but you are good to us anyway. You allow us to live, you give us air to breathe. I thank you for allowing me to see another day because surely, it could have been the other way. Someone woke up looking death in the face. Someone woke up hungry, but you have blessed me. I have my health, I have my strength and I have a heart that wants and deeply desires to please you and I have a sound mind. Thank you Lord, I am grateful.

Last year, this time, I was sick, my body was racked with pain, but you saw fit to touch me and heal me and deliver me from that pain. you are real and I thank you for being real to me. You are my Father the only true Father I have ever known. I love You, I trust you!!

Mark 11:(v.22b), "Have faith in God. (v.23) For assuredly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast into the sea', and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says. (v.24) Therefore I say to you, whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in Heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. (v.26) But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.